#presentation courses in Sydney

[michellebowdenenterprises]

Mastering body language for executive presence: key tips from our presentation skills course

When it comes to executive presence, your body language often speaks as loud as your words. How you stand, breathe, and use your hands shapes how confident and credible you appear. Mastering these non-verbal cues is essential for anyone looking to influence and lead effectively. If you want to improve in this area, a presentation skills course can provide the practical training you need.

Here are some of my favourite tips for you:

Stand tall and brace your core. Good posture creates an image of strength and readiness. Keep your feet shoulder-width apart, chest open, and shoulders back. This powerful stance signals confidence and as long as you don’t over arch your back you’ll command respect, something every executive should embody. You can learn more about perfecting this in one of our dedicated presentation skills courses in Sydney.

Practice diaphragmatic breathing. Shallow chest breathing is a common symptom of nervousness, limiting your voice and energy. Breathing deeply from your diaphragm not only helps you sound more authoritative, it also assists in clarity of thought and keeps you calm and composed during presentations or meetings.

Avoid crossing your arms across your body. This defensive posture puts a barrier between you and your audience, making you appear closed off or unsure. Instead, keep your arms relaxed and open to invite engagement. If you want hands-on guidance, look for a presentation skills course to practice these skills with experts.

One critical habit to avoid is placing your hands over your crotch - known as the "fig leaf" or “reluctant nudist” posture! Ha ha! I know right?! This gesture unconsciously signals discomfort and insecurity and it makes your audience look at the thing you’re touching!  Instead, find a more natural hand position, like resting your hands loosely by your sides or using purposeful gestures.

While hands behind your back can look authoritative during brief moments, holding this posture too long makes you seem stiff or disconnected. Keep your elbows free from your sides so you don’t appear like a ‘T-Rex’ or puppet.

Strong, deliberate gestures make your message more memorable. Avoid limp or floppy hands; they can communicate nervousness, low energy or a lack of commitment to your subject. Your hand movements should reinforce your words with clarity and confidence. Always maintain space under your armpits by keeping elbows away from your torso - it projects openness and ease.

Don’t forget to keep your eyes open. Closing your eyes when thinking or speaking can make you look shy and cut the connection with your audience. Instead, maintain steady, open eye contact with your audience to convey presence and confidence. These subtle habits are best practised with expert coaching in a presentation skills course.

Eye contact should be natural - connect with individuals across the room without staring. Use your facial expressions to show emotion; a warm smile invites connection, while a focused expression can highlight seriousness when needed.

Purposeful movement also adds to your executive presence. Avoid pacing aimlessly or fidgeting, which distracts from your message. Instead, move intentionally to emphasise key points and engage your audience. Plan where you want to walk to and then go there, then stand still.

If you want to improve your body language and overall executive presence, consider joining one of our life-changing presentation skills course. For those in Australia, our public presentation skills course in Sydney offers practical, hands-on training to transform how you communicate. We even offer 1-day presentation courses in Sydney and online for a tailored experience that suits busy professionals.

Mastering body language isn’t about perfection. It’s about intentional and authentic communication. These simple changes can elevate your presence, helping you inspire trust, influence outcomes, and lead with greater confidence.

Michelle Bowden, a best-selling author and expert in presentation skills, helps professionals transform their executive presence through her presentation skills courses. To know more, visit https://michellebowden.com.au/presentation-skills-training-dates/.

[sgxena16]

I just binged NCIS: Hawai'i and I'm so bitter it got cancelled. This show is so good and deserves at least 8 seasons.

[earllbelll]

Public Speaking Training & Public Speaking Courses by Michelle Bowden Become an effective public speaker. Take part in Michelle's Persuasive Presentation Skills and Public Speaking Training Masterclasses. For learn more https://michellebowden.com.au/

[icml]

Master Presentation Skills: Training & Courses in Sydney & Melbourne

Enhance your communication effectiveness with our presentation skills training in Sydney and Melbourne. Our engaging presenting courses are designed to boost your confidence and equip you with essential techniques for captivating your audience. Learn the art of storytelling, effective body language, and visual aid usage to make your presentations impactful. Whether you’re a beginner or looking to refine your skills, our expert trainers will guide you through practical exercises and constructive feedback. Elevate your presentation game today!

[elixirfromthestars]

At Your Call

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Summary: No matter when or where, Bucky will always be there at your call.

WC: ~300

Content(s): a sprinkle of angst. hurt/comfort. happy ending.

Prompt: “You came?” — “You called.”

a/n: Big thanks to my lovely Sydney @buck-star for sending me some inspiration to combat this writer’s block 📝✨ Love ya lots!!! 🥹🩷🩷 I also incorporated a little line I wrote in a community post a while ago, so for those of you that know it I can't wait to see if you spot it!! Thank you for reading! ₊˚⊹♡ Likes, comments, and reblogs are much appreciated!! ♡♡♡

bucky masterlist ♡ || main masterlist ♡

“You came?” 

“You called.” 

Bucky answers your question with a certainty that squeezes at your chest. His expression reflects nothing less of an always and an of course. You called so of course he showed up. Nothing and no one would ever stop him from always showing up for you. 

It didn’t matter that your call was accidental and happened after too many shots from a night out with your friends. It didn’t matter that all you could remember from the call was drunkenly confessing how much you missed him and how angry you were that he let you walk away. The fight, the petty arguments, the heartbreak—it all didn’t matter now. 

He still showed up because you reached out to him.

When he responded with a shaky and almost breathless I miss you over the phone—it was like, all at once, the intricate woven fabric of your lifelines were pleading to be tethered to one another once more.

So, naturally, there is no hesitance left in you when you pull the door open wide enough for him to come inside and away from the pouring rain. Despite the droplets that cling to his jacket and hair, there is no hesitance in ambushing him with a tight embrace as soon as the door closes. And there is no hesitance in him as he wraps his arms tightly around you and holds you against his chest like you aren’t meant to be anywhere else but in his arms. 

In the quiet of your home, there’s a gentle shift in the air. It's like finding that final puzzle piece that completes it all after having lost it in the shuffle of everyday life. That feeling leads you both to your bedroom—where Bucky doesn’t let you go as you settle into your bed—holding each other close as the tears start to fall. The heartbreak of each other’s absence present in every teardrop.

He kisses the top of your head with a tenderness that warms your chest. It spreads throughout you with a type of comfort you longed for from the moment you walked away. When he whispers how much he loves you and how everything will be okay—you believe him. 

You found your way to each other again. 

Everything will be okay.

[woso-dreamzzz]

Rival VI

Hardersson x Child!Reader

Part of Big Adventures Universe

Summary: You return to London

"Princesse," Magda groans as you come jumping down the stairs of the hotel with Pernille," What did I tell you last night?"

You very pointedly ignore her as you go skipping over to Sydney, Georgia and Sam. You present yourself in front of them, chest sticking out as you smooth down the familiar red material and the cannon crest on your chest.

"You're kidding," Georgia says, eyes wide as she looks up at Magda and Pernille," You have to be kidding me. You're letting her wear this?"

"I'm not!" Magda says at the same time Pernille rolls her eyes.

"She's old enough now to choose her own clothes," Pernille says plainly," We're fostering independence."

"Yeah!" You say with a little giggle, sticking your tongue out at Georgia happily," I packed it just for today!"

"It shouldn't have been packed at all!" Magda insists," I told you that you weren't allowed to pack it."

"Auntie Frido says-"

"Oh, here we go."

"-That choosing clothes is an exercise of my right to express myself."

There's silence for a moment and all of the adults look at you with varying degrees of shock.

"Do..." Magda's mouth is wide open as she stares, blinking a few times as if she can't understand why you've just said that. "Do you know what you just said?"

You shake your head happily. "Auntie Frido told me to tell you though. She made me remember-ise it."

"Memorise."

"Huh?"

"She made you memorise it."

"Yeah, that too."

Magda sighs deeply, eyes closing briefly before opening again. "When we get home, I'm burning your Arsenal kits."

"Auntie Frido says that's illegal! And I can sue you for it!" You turn to Pernille primly, chest puffing out. "She made me memorise that too."

To save Magda's eyes, you end up wearing a zip up hoodie over your Arsenal jersey on the bus ride over to the pitch.

You happily sit with Pernille, who lets you watch one of your favourite Scooby-Doo episodes on her phone as you hum the theme song under your breath. Your little legs kick around happily as Straus says a bit more about the game plan to the team.

You're not listening at all as you watch Daphne use her super cool martial arts skills to punch one of the monsters in your show.

"Alright, you," Pernille says softly as she takes her phone back," We're here."

"We are?"

Your head pops up as you look out the window, fingers automatically going to unzip your hoodie so you can show your Arsenal pride but Magda's there quickly.

Her hands make sure your zip is done all the way up and you frown.

"But Morsa-"

"No," Magda says firmly, lifting you up into her arms before you complain anymore.

You huff a little but don't fight her.

Magda carries you all the way into the changing room and still doesn't let you take your hoodie off. Even Pernille doesn't relent and you sit stubbornly in her cubby with your arms crossed over your chest.

"What's that pout for?" Tuva asks with a laugh, tickling under your chin," You not going to be our good luck charm?"

You shake your head. "No."

"Oh? Why not?"

"My good luck is going to Arsenal!"

Before anyone can stop you, you stand up and rip off your hoodie to show your Arsenal shirt.

"North London forever!"

"Oh no," Pernille groans as Magda's eye twitches.

"Whatever the weather!"

Georgia bursts into uncontrollable laughter.

"These streets are our- Morsa!"

Magda plucks you from Pernille's cubby, muttering under her breath too quiet for you to hear as the door to the locker room is knocked on.

Katie and Caitlin poke their heads around the door.

"Alright, Eriksson?" Katie asks with a grin," We heard our Big Boss was in the building. Do you mind if we steal her?"

"Actually-"

"Of course you can." Pernille takes you from Magda's arms without fuss, putting you back onto the floor so you can run over to the two Arsenal girls by the door. "Princesse, remember, be nice, helpful and-"

"Don't cause trouble," You finish off," I know!" You take Caitlin's hand. "Let's go see Auntie Stina and Auntie Lina!"

"The warm ups are just starting," Caitlin tells you," Have you got your gloves? Because I'm sure the keepers would love to warm up with their Big Boss."

[carmenberzattosgf]

Happy Valentine’s Day! Wishing you so much love! I had a thought I know you’ve already touched on this but surprising Carmy with a tattoo of c.b in HIS HAND WRITING like right under your breast. And he’s like feral, like saying the dirtiest things you’ve ever heard, groaning in your ear, choking…

Happy Valentine’s Day! And hehe let’s dive into this because yes. ( also reducing it down to just a C because I think it would be really hard to get a cb in his hand writing to look good.)

The hardest part of the entire thing is actually getting his handwriting for the stencil, and it not looking like a complete mess. Carmen is always in a rush, so anytime he has to sign his name for something it looks messy.

You had roped Sugar into your idea a few weeks ago, asking her to check all the documents he signs for a neatly written signature. It truly takes a few weeks, but she pulls through and sends you a copy of his neat-ish signature. Well, neat for him, anyway.

You get the tattoo on Valentine’s Day, not letting there be any chance of it getting spoiled. The tattoo artist covers it in second skin, so the “C” is still visible underneath. It’s on your rib cage, just underneath your breast.

Carmy, shockingly enough, manages to convince Sydney to let him go home early on Valentine’s Day, so he can spend the rest of the evening with you. He had already surprised you with flowers and chocolates on your nightstand when you woke up this morning. You both had already decided to spend the right in, cuddled up on the couch watching a movie.

“Oh! Do you wanna see what your present is from me?” you ask with a huge grin on your face. The movie is already halfway through; he wasn’t expecting anything from you at all. Having you in his arms is as good enough present as is.

“You know you didn’t have to get me anything, baby. It’s my job to get you presents.”

“Don’t be silly. Of course I got you something! Can you close your eyes?”

A quick smile flashes across his face before he closes his eyes. “Okay, m’ready.”

You lean back from his hold and lift up your hoodie just enough to show off the ink. “Open!”

Carmen’s eyes go as wide as saucers when he sees his handwriting on your body—tattooed like that forever. “Holy shit—no fucking way you did that,” he says, just a little louder than a whisper. His hand comes up to your rib cage, letting his thumb trace lightly over the “C” that’s still covered in second skin. “Baby…”

“Do you like it? Do you like your present?”

Carmy shows you just how much he likes it by fucking your brains out right there on the couch. He’s relentless, hips slamming into you at a furious pace. He keeps one hand on your rib cage nearly the entire time, thumb rubbing over it idly.

He can’t keep his lips off of you, muttering filth in between kisses to your face, lips, and neck.

“Got me on you forever—you have no idea what that fucking does to me.”

“Love you so fuckin’ much—love this tattoo so fuckin’ much.”

“Going to have to get one for you next. How ‘bout right on my hip? Hmm?”

“Always been mine, baby—now you just got something to show it.”

“Oh, you like that don’t you? Having something to show who you belong to?”

“Can fucking feel how close you are. Let go baby, been such a good fucking girl for me.”

Let’s just say the tattoo is the best gift Carmy has ever received and he’s a bit of a sappy mess afterwards. He just loves you so very much, and is a little bit jealous you though of getting a tattoo for him before he got one for you.

He makes an appointment the next day to get your initials tattooed on his hip. It may or may not be at the spot you always kiss him before sucking him off.

[averagewriter-inthedark]

Fluffy Headcanons 🩶 | Hemut Zemo

Marvel Masterlist

Being in a relationship with Zemo would look like:

The man spoils you, to the point it's kinda suffocating. Considering this man is rich you can expect extravagant gifts on birthdays, anniversaries, and whenever he sees something and thinks of you. It doesn't have to be an occasion for Zemo to spend his bottomless pit of coin on you. 

Date night involving a dinner doesn't exactly mean you guys have to go out. This man can cook. He'll present you with the most gourmet meal you've ever seen, paired with a wine likely the cost of your life insurance plan, with candles lit and music flowing from the record player. "You've out done yourself once again, Helmut. It seems like I'm saying that every time we have dinner." "Well, darling, I only ensure the best for my love."

Zemo has several homes throughout the damn planet, so if you're ever feeling a change of scenery all you have to do is pick where you want to go. Paris, England, Rio, Sydney, Moscow, Los Angeles, Morocco, etc. You name it, Zemo has property there. You'll stay for weeks, maybe months, and sometimes if you like one more than the others, you'll live there for a few years and then move when the time feels right.....or when Zemo breaks the law again and now, you're on the run. 

You're the type of couple people stop and stare at. Zemo wouldn't consider himself a fashionista, but he likes to dress nice for any occasion--even grocery shopping--and that rubbed off on you. Often you'll be walking down the street and notice in your peripheral vision people pointing you out to their friends and admiring you guys from afar. "People are staring again." "Of course they are. They cannot believe they are seeing a living God/Goddess among them." 

If you have animals, it'll probably be a cat. Zemo gives off cat energy more so than dog and he'd be the type of cat person who says he dislike cats but then falls in love with one and it changes his perspective. How came to have cat likely was you feeding the neighborhood stray and taking it in, ignoring Zemo's refusal but then you catch him putting tuna on a plate and bringing home flea medicine.

Your house is covered in artwork because Zemo is a collector. There's not a single wall that is not straight out of a museum. Monet's, Picasso's, etc. Paintings and sculptures. If you ever wanted to make an exhibit in your house and have people pay to see it, you could for sure do it. 

When you have movie nights, it's basically you two analyzing every single detail and having a full-on discussion rather than watching the film. Especially if it's movies you've already seen and are rewatching. Zemo can't shut up, and you shove popcorn in your mouth while he vents about how stupid the main character was or how plot lacked consistency. If Zemo really liked a film, he'll actually shut up because he doesn't have anything to say. 

His love languages are acts of service and quality time. And you can add gifts into the mix because he loves to give you gifts. 

You two play chess a lot--It's one of the ways you have quality time together. Zemo is a master at chess and while you were weak in the beginning you quickly became a master yourself and now you two have matches lasting hours. 

Zemo has a photo album dedicated to you of all your dates and trips or special moments you shared. All taken on a film camera because while he does have hundreds of pictures of you on his phone, there's something personal and intimidate in capturing the beauty of you on film. 

You have matching jewelry you both wear and hardly ever take off. If you're married, of course you have the rings but even then, you both have matching bracelets or necklaces. It's probably got your names or initials engraved or has your birthstones. 

[trueloveistreacherous]

You got a dream spot? Of course. Like what? I mean, you'll find out when it's open.

Ayo Edebiri as Sydney Adamu in The Bear (2022-present) created by Christoper Storer

[tentacleplains]

It's Valentine's Day!

You look at the gifts you've gotten over the course of the day. You feel warm, for the most part. | -- Stress | - Trauma

Kylar hands you a bottle of a sweet-smelling, sparkly fluid. "F-for Valentine's Day," they mumble shyly, looking away. "I hope you think of me while you..." | - Jealousy

You can't tell if it's an aphrodisiac or some sort of love potion. Or both. | + Stress

--

Robin left a lollipop and a packet of candy hearts under your bed, alongside a handwritten note.

"Happy Valentine's Day!" it reads. "I'm really grateful for everything you do for me. I love you."

"P.S. - Don't let Bailey find the empty wrappers!"

You pop a conversation heart in your mouth. It's chalky and saccharine sweet. | - Stress | - Trauma

--

Whitney, flanked by their lackeys, accosts you in the hallways, pushing a bottle into your hands before you can react. They grope your ass while they saunter off, looking over their shoulder. | + Arousal

"Happy Valentine's Day, slut," they call after you. "I'll make good use of you later." | + Lust

You look at the bottle in your hands. It's chocolate flavored lube. You pocket it, thinking about what Whitney's planning. | + Stress | + Arousal

Avery handed off a box of chocolates as you got in their car.

"Happy Valentine's Day, my toy," they smile. "Have a treat, on me."

You take a bite of one of the chocolates. It's bittersweet, with a fruity creme liqueur in the middle. | - Stress

You polish it off and open the box for another, but Avery stops you with a glance. "Don't overindulge," they tell you sharply. "It's unsophisticated." | - Endearment | + Stress

--

Alex was still busying themself in the kitchen as you ate breakfast this morning, and once you finish your plate, they push a dish of chocolate covered strawberries your way.

"Happy Valentine's," they say. "Did a little extra foraging from the woodland. Wanted to surprise you."

They look at you expectantly, and a little nervously, so you pick up a strawberry and take a bite. It's sweet and juicy, the tart flavor cutting through the rich chocolate. | - Stress

--

Eden surprises you after dinner, presenting you with a homemade chocolate cake. They look embarrassed.

"Happy Valentine's Day." You take a bite of the cake. It's a little dry, but sweet. Crumbs fall from your fork. "Sorry it's not the prettiest. I haven't baked in a long time."

To reassure them, you tuck into it with gusto, cleaning off the plate in record time. A bit of frosting lingers on your lips, which Eden swipes away with their hand. The rough pad of their thumb catches on your lip. | + Arousal | + Lust

When you went to the pharmacy to pick up your prescription, you were handed a pill bottle with a bow around it. Even though there's no note, you figure this must be Harper's doing. | + Lust

You wonder if the contents of the bottle have been tampered with. | ++ Stress | + Trauma

--

Sydney, looking nervous, perks up as you approach the counter. Their hands are behind their back, clutching something.

"H-here!" they say, practically shoving a bouquet in your face. The wrapping crinkles as you take it from them, their face rapidly reddening. "I wanted to get you chocolates, but Headmistress Leighton doesn't allow food or drink in the library. I-I hope this is okay."

The flowers smell sweet. You hope they'll hold up in your locker all day. | - Stress | - Trauma

Leaning over the counter, Sydney plants a kiss on your cheek. "Happy Valentine's Day," they smile. "Thank you for loving me. I don't know who I'd be without you." | + Love

--

Remy hand-feeds you a bright, shiny apple.

"For my favorite cow," they say, patting your head with their free hand. | + Stress?

[michellebowdenenterprises]

How to Improve Your Executive Presence: A Story of Career Transformation

Meet Claire, an ambitious executive at a leading bank who was struggling to break through the corporate ceiling. Despite her impressive work ethic, technical expertise, and track record of delivering results, she kept hearing the same feedback: "You lack executive presence." The phrase haunted her, and despite multiple promotion attempts, Claire found herself continually passed over.

The feedback was vague and frustrating. Claire was confident in her skills but wasn't sure how to bridge the gap between her ability and how she was perceived in the room. That's when she reached out to me for help.

We began our work together with a focus on improving Claire's communication through a presentation skills course. It quickly became clear that her ability to structure persuasive messages was a key factor in her being overlooked. Claire had the technical skills, but her approach to presenting ideas to the executive team needed sharpening.

Claire is NSW based so through our targeted presentation skills course in Sydney, Claire learned how to structure her messages clearly and persuasively, allowing her to captivate her audience. A key takeaway was mastering audience analysis — tailoring her message to the specific needs and concerns of the decision-makers in the room.

We also focused on enhancing Claire's non-verbal communication: posture, voice modulation, and eye contact. These small but powerful changes immediately made her appear more confident, composed, and credible.

Managing energy in the room was another crucial piece. In our presentation courses in Sydney, it's important to cap the numbers at 10people per workshop. This provided a safe space for Claire to practice techniques that project calm authority while staying fully engaged with her audience. This essential practice boosted her confidence and helped Claire build strong emotional connections with her stakeholders.

Another often overlooked element of executive presence is appearance. Research consistently shows that attractive people tend to earn more than those who are perceived as less attractive. A study from the INFORMS journal Information Systems Research 2024 found that attractive MBA graduates not only earn higher salaries but are also significantly more likely to secure prestigious job roles, highlighting how appearance influences professional trajectories over decades.

The transformation was extraordinary. In her next presentation to the executive team, Claire dresses like a boss, confidently presented her ideas with strong gestures and a firm, steady voice punctuated by powerful pauses. She responded to questions with poise (because we had practiced what they might be, and prepared and rehearsed the answers). Yes! Claire engaged her audience like never before. Her feedback was overwhelmingly positive, and within months, Claire was promoted to an Executive role.

Executive presence is not about changing who you are — it's about elevating how you show up. With the right presentation skills course, or presentation skills coaching you can transform how prepared and brave you feel which affects the way you're perceived, the way you lead with influence, and you will unlock new career opportunities.

MICHELLE BOWDEN is an authority on persuasive presenting in business. She's run her presentation skills course over 1000 times for more than 13,000 people over the past 26 years and her name is a synonym for 'presentation skills' in Australia. She's the best-selling internationally published author of How to Present: the ultimate guide to presenting live and online (Wiley)https://michellebowden.com.au/presentation-skills-training-dates/

[idorelyss]

SORRY, I'M SO STUPID | S.LOHMANN¹²

summary: you're an idiot who lost the love of your life. somehow, you get her back.

contains: sydney lohmann x bayfcplayer.ᐟreader, exes to lovers, mentions of relationship insecurities, sorta messy timeline, mentions of concussion/injury, jealousy, jealous.ᐟreader, sydney got the patience of a saint, they're inlove your honor, some angst with fluff

word count: 6.0k

author note: first fic on this blog, hopefully you cool ppl in my phone like it. lil warning for the fic going from past tense to present tense alot, that's the point. i tried a slightly different writing style doing this so let's hope it eats. enough yapping, enjoy ❤️ p.s. this is a lyrics fic.

PLAYING THINGS I WISH YOU SAID BY SABRINA CARPENTER

baby, sorry, i left you in the dark. i always reach for your leg over there on your side of the car

you are really fucking stupid. at least, that's what you have been telling yourself for the past two months.

you're in your car, on your way to deyna's party. of course, san jose traffic is packed and going at snail speed, leaving you with time to think many thoughts. way too many thoughts.

thoughts that are mainly involving a pretty, german blonde who used to be yours at one point. she would still be yours right now if you didn't end things impulsively.

what did your parents say when you were a teenager about how social media is poison? you are slowly starting to agree because you let opinions circulating around social media and your insecurities end a good thing. now the one person you didn't want to hurt in this life is hurt and you're hurting alongside her.

you almost want to forget about her, but who could forget about sydney?

that's why when you change lanes to reach your exit on the highway, your hand automatically goes to the passenger seat to reach for a thigh that isn't there.

right. she's in germany, not here.

you're so fucking stupid.

baby, everything reminds me of you. nobody gets my jokes, everyone here thinks i'm fucking rude

being at practice reminds you so much of sydney. it makes sense, you both are professional players. so of course your day is riddled with memories of sydney.

arriving at the training facility reminds you of that time sydney told you she tripped coming into bayern's training building, and she was teased for days.

going through drills has you thinking about when sydney whined on the phone everyday about her legs and feet hurting after practice.

time in the gym, doing your cardio is not that different from the days where sydney and you would workout out together. getting a sweet treat right afterward.

so, by the time training is over, you are ready to get dressed quickly in the locker room and duck out to go drown in your self-pity and regret at home. it's too bad that even the locker room reminds you of sydney or the lack thereof.

“why are you changing so fast? trying to run away from those bad shots you made?” jen jokes, coming to sit by you at your cubby.

you look at her, your hands still occupied tying your shoe. “you cannot be talking after the amount of times you fell. your age catching up to you?” you say in a similar joking tone with a side of deadpan,

or so you thought as everyone looks at you like you're crazy.

“i was just playing around, chill,” jen says. her words confuse you and so does the reactions of your other teammates.

did your joke have venom that you were unaware of behind it? or did you say it more on the side of deadpan than joking?

all you know is that sydney would have laughed at that. she would be giggling so hard, her face would get all red. then she would have thrown an even better insult right back at you.

you really miss her.

when i saw you cry, i didn't handle it well. without you here, i don’t know what to do with myself.

your nights have been so boring ever since you broke up with sydney. the same routine: get home, shower, water the plants, eat dinner, and then spend an hour or two scrolling on social media trying to fight the urge to stalk sydney's page.

you had blocked the blonde back when you two first broke up. you remember how klara texted you about how that's “childish and just hurts you both more.” she's right, of course, but who's going to tell her that? not you. not after you made a whole big deal about moving on and focusing on your career.

moving on doesn't even seem right. that's for people who were heartbroken by chance, not on purpose. it's not for people who hurt themselves by ending something that was good and stable because they couldn't get out of their own head.

still, as you lay there and scroll, your entire being craves for what used to belong to it.

you desire sydney's warmth.

you miss sydney's scent.

you are hungry for sydney's kisses.

you need to be held down by the weight of her body on top of yours.

instead, you are being weighed down by the pain you inflicted upon her. haunted by the sight of tears filling up in her eyes the day you ended everything and walked away. the unanswered text messages she left you the following night after she got drunk. the single text that followed the morning after that,

those were mistakes. ignore them.

everything blares in your head like an alarm that never stops. a clock that is broken, but not because it doesn't sound off but because it continues to sound off even if you want it to stop. there is no snooze for your regret, not with the way your dreams are filled to the brim with thoughts of sydney, too.

i think about these things at night before i fall asleep. things i wish you said to me.

syd's barely affectionate with her.

they don't give off girlfriends vibes.

sydney is more cuddly with her friends than her own girlfriend.

wonder when they are going to break up.

it's not going to last.

you reread the comments that led to your self inflicted suffering in the first place. the noodles in front of you on the table have run cold and your appetite is halfway gone at this point anyways.

social media has never been a big part of how you move throughout the world. you love to doomscroll, and of course, you have your favorite creators across platforms. you know about different trends and internet slang. duh, you aren't thirty. but you never used to let social media dictate how you interact with people outside of it. social media is full of algorithms and echo-chambers made to take over people's thoughts. forcing them to stay on apps longer than needed to look for solutions for problems that have been caused by said apps.

that's always how you felt.

but even you fell into the trap of social media. early in your relationship with sydney, you were too in the honeymoon phase to think about looking at socials. too wrapped up in sydney. however, when you two calmed down into a just as in love but more controlled state, your mind started wandering.

wondering what people are saying about you two. do they find you two cute? couple goals? were there fanpages for your relationship?

other players who are in relationships often have these things, so why wouldn't you guys have those as well?

what you didn't expect to find was people overanalyzing the way sydney and you interacted in public. for people to wonder if you guys are even in love.

“they don't see me when i'm with you. they don't know how attached i am to you every second we are alone,” sydney said when you brought up your growing insecurity. she was smiling all sweet, sitting on top of you.

how could you not believe her with the way she's kissing the frown off your lips?

your insecurities still grew and grew and grew until they became a hill. a hill, you weren't able to climb over.

they don't know how sydney loves wearing your clothes around and outside of the house because she's obsessed with your smell. they don't know about all the nights she cuddled into your side, basically glued to your skin. they aren't there on the days you were in sydney's apartment, cooking and dancing with her. they don't see the way she is all over you when you two are alone.

yeah, she wasn't super affectionate in public but that's only because she got so shy every time you showed her any love.

fans online didn't know about any of that, but you wish they did. you wish you didn't put so much value into their opinions because you probably would still have sydney in your grasp right now if you didn't.

if only you came to sydney about this more. the german player would rush to do anything that would make you feel better, more secure. but no, you just couldn't because you were afraid she would be annoyed you kept bringing the topic up after she reassured you the first time.

sydney would have never done that and you knew that.

that wrongful thought was influenced by that stupid hill in your head that was built on tons and tons of mean comments. the weariness of long distance fueled the comments impact on your mind deeply. getting reassured over the phone wouldn't be as satisfying as in person, so you never brought up the topic again and everytime you were with sydney, you didn't want to ruin the moment so again you didn't say a word. all of this created a hamster wheel you couldn't get out of.

you get up from the table, throwing your noodles away. they are too cool to eat now, and reheated noodles do not sound appetizing.

slipping into bed, your mind thinks back to the past over and over again until it tires itself out enough that you drift off to sleep.

things like “darling, i hope you know it scared me to death. the night that your sister said you got into an accident.”

number that SHOULD be blocked

i'm so sorry about your injury

when i saw you go down, my heart fell to my ass

i hope you have good ppl around you to take care of you ❤️

contact changed to sydney

you

i do

thanks for texting

sydney

….

yk i'm here for you too, right?

ik we broke up and aren't supposed to talk but

i'm just rlly worried about you

your heart feels like it's beating at 100 miles per hour. first, sydney texts you then second, she's worried about your injury and third, she wants to fucking be there for you.

is this a dream? have your wishes to get her back finally come true?

you look at the text, pondering what to send back. an immediate yes would be too desperate, right? but you are desperate for her you think to yourself.

fuck it, just say yes.

right when you are about to text back, sydney beats you to it.

sydney

there's no pressure

i know we haven't talked in forever

how is she being so considerate when you're the one who broke her heart?

you

i want you

sydney

??

you

i mean i want you to be there for me

can we talk pls?

be friends or whatever you want

sydney

duh

i'm the one who offered

there go the other side of sydney that you know and love.

“and god, i, i'm watching everything that you do. i can't get your songs out of my head or your hair out of my room.”

sydney and you have been texting back and forth everyday since that day she texted you. anyone looking from outside the situation would said it's heading straight for disaster. exes texting regularly again? especially when one is still very much inlove with the other? a speeding train just waiting to crash.

to that, you would say they don't understand. there isn't no tension or lingering resentment or anger between sydney and you while yall talk. that truth surprises you considering the fact you basically dumped sydney four months ago. if the roles were reversed, you wouldn't want to see her ever again, but somehow sydney's heart is overflowing with so much love that she doesn't have room to hate you.

she checks up on your well-being pertaining to your head injury. the recovery so far has been slow, very slow. you aren't even in rehab yet, still stuck at home resting and sleeping throughout the day. thankfully, your parents flew to san jose to come take care of you.

when you aren't sleeping, then you are texting sydney. her check-ups on you have slowly turned into long conversations about her day. texting her almost makes you feel like you two never broke up, that you two are still dating.

when you can't talk to her or are unable to sleep, you keep up to date with bayern munich. if someone asked why you were watching them, you would say not only for sydney, but that would be a lie. just a little white lie, though. you're watching for klara, lea, and lena too.. but mostly for sydney.

seeing her in her element, all sweaty and passionate, makes your head feel a little less broken, so yes, you will continue to watch her matches without telling her.

and what you don't know is that sydney thinks of you every time her feet touch the pitch. how she goes even harder than normal to impress you just in case you are watching. she hopes you are watching her, she always has and always will. even right after you broke up with her and she had to push her feelings down to go put on a good performance for germany, she played so hard she was MVP of both friendlies. back then, sydney hoped you viewed her performances with envy. with deep regret for letting go of a woman like her. now she hopes you look at her in admiration when she plays well.

you also don't know that sydney never threw away any of the gifts you gave her during your relationship. she was supposed to throw everything away in a box like lea recommended, but she couldn't. she couldn't throw away all of the memories she had left of you in her home. she couldn't delete the pictures she had of you in her phone. she couldn't even block your number.

sydney hanged onto every single last string she had that was still connected to you. it's hard to let go after being dumped. she thought, no, she knew you were the love of life. her entire world came crashing down when you sat her down on the last day of you visiting her in germany, suddenly saying you believe you two should be over. that long distance isn't working out for you anymore.

she cried for a week after you left. klara had to come over and help her clean up her apartment after a week of just crying in bed.

after that, the blonde slowly tried to move on. she went out more, with and without her friends. posted more on instagram. pushed herself into drowning in work related to football. even all of that didn't help her forget about you. she couldn't. her soul still yearned for yours.

she watched your matches in secret, all of her attention focused on you. her heart rate would perk up whenever commentators said your name. she wasn't able to pull her attention away from her tv when the camera would do a close-up of you.

so obviously, the day you got injured, sydney knew. she saw the way you went down and didn't get back up. her blood was rushing to her head, her chest was hurting as she watched you get carried off. it nearly felt like she was the one injured with how her body was feeling.

could sydney be faulted for texting you? for worrying about you? klara would slap the phone out of her hand if she knew about this, but good thing klara wasn't in her apartment. going off straight adrenaline and concern, sydney sent that text that led to you being back in her life.

texting back and forth everyday has sydney dopamine hooked. you still have the same effect on her that you always have.

every time she texts you, her eyes glance around her room at the various things you left behind when you broke up with her.

the sweater you never asked for back.

the dragon stuffed animal she won for you at a carnival.

the brush you always used when you came over. she couldn't bring herself to use it after you left her, so it just sat on her vanity, taunting her for ages.

sydney told herself that when she texted you about your injury, you two would keep a certain level of distance. that you wouldn't become lovers again. that she was only checking up on you every day because you deserved people in your corner.

that last part is true, but her other motive is also there: she wants you back.

i saw you meet somebody, and i'm jealous as hell. that i can't even stomach loving someone else.

the texting between sydney and you have gone from texting to calling. a big leap, but you both admitted to liking calling more than anything else.

the calling is totally not an indication of falling back into a similar routine from before the break-up.

or maybe it is because you don't fall asleep on the phone with your friends, you don't text your friends good morning and good night, you don't send so many selfies of yourself to your friends. those are actions you always have done with sydney.

anyone could see that you two still like each other, obviously, but you are seemingly blind to it.

perhaps it's the regret, pity, and guilt for ruining a good thing for no reason that's keeping you ignorant of what's growing between you two once more.

that ignorance wouldn't last forever.

sydney and you have now been in contact again for five months, more than no-contact lasted. your recovery is coming along better than your doctors expected. your head doesn't feel heavy anymore and you can have the tv above sixty without your head feeling like it's going to explode. sydney was more happy about this progress than you were.

syd 🥺

just watch

in a few months you're going to be able to run and play again

you

my doctors said that's not happening so soon

syd 🥺

idcc

you're like half magical so you will recover soon

you

LMAOOO

half magical is insane

you're crazy

syd 🥺

crazy or optimistic?

you

both…

syd 🥺

WOW??

okay i see how it is

say this to my face

incoming call from syd 🥺

after you answer the call, sydney and you talk for three hours. bickering back and forth with a mix of talking about your days. of course, your day is the same as always. you slept, ate, crocheted a bit with your mother, and saw your doctor. meanwhile, sydney's was full of life per usual. she went grocery shopping, helped lea clean out her spare room, got some sweets from a bakery, and “saw the cutest dog while walking home” in her own words. hearing about her lively days makes you feel a bit better about your own days that are very simple and very boring nine times out of ten. there isn't much a person recovering from a concussion can do.

you could push away and ignore your feelings when you two were in just a bubble of you and sydney. nobody else is in the way, questioning if exes talking everyday was healthy. nobody wondering if all that contact would lead to something more.

that bubble is broken the day you see something that makes you feel sick.

it's a saturday, you're scrolling on instagram. sydney is busy at a gathering with some friends, leaving you to your own devices.

sorta already missing her, you go on her instagram to look at her posts. you had unblocked the moment you two started talking again. as you click on her story, you wish you still had her blocked.

your head feels like it's going to explode as you look at the photo: sydney is sitting on a couch, and some girl is on her lap, smiling way too hard.

what the hell was going on?

you almost type out a message to sydney before you get control of your emotions. it isn't your place to be jealous or hurt or annoyed. sydney and you aren't together anymore. you two are friends, only friends right now.

you feel sick as you swipe out of instagram. it's time for a nap before your head falls off of your body with the way it pounds.

seeing sydney with someone else is making you stop believing the lie that you two were platonic right now. you could never be friends with the woman you love.

i think about these things at night before i fall asleep. things i wish you said to me.

that instagram story sets off a series of events.

first, you slowly took a step back from talking to sydney. the step back was so slow that she didn't notice at first. honestly, you took two more months to not talk to her everyday because you were hooked on her messages. hooked on her jokes and selfies and laugh and cute rambles. still, you somehow did it. instead of talking everyday, you two talked three days a week and only for an hour. way less than you two used to do.

second, you started putting tons of work into your recovery. seeing a physical therapist and slowly incorporating small, easy exercises into your day helps you come closer to getting back on the pitch. the first day you step back onto the bay fc training facility grounds, your emotions are everywhere. you haven't seen your teammates as much as you use to when you were not injured and seeing them training while you were just visiting the physical therapist killed you. they were all happy to see you though, catching you up on everything that has been happening since you were away. your head injury has calmed down enough that you could sit outside and watch everyone else practice. all the shouting and sounds of bodies moving doesn't irritate your head thankfully. you follow this similar routine for a long while, even if you are slightly sad about not being able to play.

and finally, sydney confronts you about pushing her out of your life.

you're lying on your bed, having just came back from a day at the bay fc training facility. you and sydney haven't talked for a week straight, her apparently busy with her life over in germany and you making an active choice to talk to her less.

that's why when a notification from her comes up on your screen, you look away from your screen then back at it to see if this is happening right now. it's not the notification itself that makes you act like that, but the message,

sydney (wait 30 mins before answering)

why are you treating me like this again?

you

sydney

what are you talking about?

sydney (wait 30 mins before answering)

you're ignoring me

we barely talk anymore

what's gotten into you?

you try to think up an excuse. eventually landing on,

you

yk i'm busy with rehab and stuff

sydney (wait 30 mins before answering)

bullshit

stop lying to me

you

calm down syd

omg

sydney (wait 30 mins before answering)

don't tell me to calm down wtf

first you randomly break up with me for some stupid reason

“long distance isn't working” whatever that supposed to mean

i just know in my gut that's not why you left me

now we became close again and you're leaving me again?

why let me back in your life if you're going to do this to me

your head is starting to pound as blood rushes to your face. you always hated when sydney was angry with you and this time is no different. it's justified though. what you're doing is really cruel, pushing sydney away after becoming close with her again. you have hurt her once again.

you're so stupid.

in the process of trying to run from your feelings, trying to ignore the jealousy seeping from your psyche after seeing the photo of that random girl on her lap in that photo. lost in your thoughts, you don't realize that it's been ten minutes since you replied to her.

sydney (wait 30 mins before answering)

okay

do what you want

march 14th, 11:11pm, read

ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh

“i don't know how to say this.. but you deserve an explanation. you wouldn't answer my calls or texts, and i get it. i left you not once but twice. both times for stupid reasons that i should have communicated instead of going ghost. the day i broke up with you.. i cried the moment i got home. all i could think about for so long is how hurt you looked. that should have made me act, but it didn't, and i just regret everything. the first time i pushed you away, it's because i let the internet get to me. make me feel all insecure about us. i pushed you away a second time because i realized i couldn't stay platonic with you. i.. saw that insta story of yours. the one with that girl on your lap. i lost my mind because i thought i didn't have a chance with you ever again. i'm really sorry, so sorry. i miss you so much. call me back, please?”

voicemail left to sydney, april 23rd, 3:00am

sorry, i pulled the “it's not you. it's me.” one day, i'll make sure you get a real apology.

sydney

are you busy?

she texts you one day in july. you thought that she was fully done with you after not speaking for nearly two months, but thankfully she isn't. you can make this right.

you

no

incoming call from sydney

…

“hello?”

you haven't heard her voice in so long. it sounds just the same, all soft and pretty. a rush of fondness hits you.

“hi sydney,” you say, more like whisper, into the phone.

there's some shuffling on the other line before she speaks again. was she moving around on her bed? it's a nervous habit of hers to move during intense situations you think to yourself.

you push your thoughts to the side as sydney speaks, “.. i got your voicemail.”

you thought she deleted it with how long it has been since you had sent it.

“did you like it?” you say.

why the fuck did you say that?

instead of hanging up the phone in your face, sydney laughs. you have missed her laugh so much.

“i wouldn't be calling if i didn't.”

“oh right.. sorry.” you let out a laugh of your own at your stupidity. not just your stupidity from right now but all the times before, too.

then the moment you start laughing, that makes sydney start laughing again. creating a cycle of you laughing at her laughter, then her laughing at yours and again. laughing on the phone with your ex after not speaking for some months once again is actually insane, but it seems like that's just how sydney and you are: insane.

the two of you calm down soon enough. getting back to the serious conversation that needs to be had.

“you know it really hurt me when you stopped talking to me. i thought we were getting somewhere.. platonic or not. it hurts even more to know you still like me but pushed me away anyways. don't you want me?”

“of course i want you.”

“then why didn't you say anything?”

“....”

“that was a stupid question.. i listened to your voicemail. i know why.. i just want to hear it from your own mouth in real time.”

you sigh before going silent for a moment. sydney doesn't speak, she just waits.

“i just.. was so insecure the longer we were together. i know at the time you told me to ignore social media, but i couldn't. all of those people were saying we shouldn't be together and that you didn't want me. i couldn't take it. i felt like i was holding you back from someone better, so i left. then when we started talking again, i deluded myself into believing we were on our way to being just platonic but i can never be just friends with you. the night i saw that photo on your insta story, i didn't know what to do.. so i left again. i'm sorry.”

“.. i accept your apology, but i'm still hurt. i thought you trusted me enough to talk to me about anything?”

“i do.. i did.. i swear.”

“you don't act like it.”

“i'll be better if you let me. if you want me.”

“i want you, but you'll have to work for it. i'm not taking you back that easily.”

i waste my time, i waste my life on idiotic things. like things you never said. things you'll never say to me.

sydney and you start talking again after that call. things between you two move slow though, very slow. more slow than the first time you guys got together.

you know that sydney is waiting things out, trying to see if you would leave her again. she keeps a certain distance when you two speak a little too flirty. she shuts it down quickly every time, which hurts, but you get it. you have to earn that side of her again.

and you do just that.

it's in small ways than some grand gesture. you tell about everytime you watch one of her matches, mostly praising her but throwing in some critique as well. after your rehab sessions, you tell her about everything. all your feelings surrounding the sessions, how much you've been improving. everytime you feel jealousy at one of sydney's posts, you talk to her about it.

that distance between you two slowly closes. not only emotionally but physically.

the summer the year after sydney and you reconnected for the second time since the break-up, you find the time to fly to germany for her birthday.

you asked before coming, though, not wanting to mess up the new connection you two are building.

“syd, i got a question,” you say, phone propped up on the bathroom sink as you got ready for another day at training. you have progressed very far in your recovery, thankfully, and can now do some light training with the team.

“hmmmmm?” sydney murmurs. she's looking all cute on the other line, face pressed to her pillow as she lays in bed. her room is dark, with the only light coming from her phone screen.

there's some hesitation that crosses your mind, but you push it away. communication, remember?

“can i come see you?” you ask.

sydney sits up slightly after hearing your question. there's clear confusion on her face.

“what do you mean?”

“i want to fly to germany for your birthday.”

sydney goes silent for a long moment. your nerves peak, looking at your screen. was this too big of a step for her? does she need more time to be ready to see you in person?

her answer surprises you.

“okay,” she says.

you booked your flight to germany that night and next thing you know, you're there. unfortunately, sydney isn't the one who picks you up from the airport. lena takes over that job, but it's still fun to hangout with lena after so long.

you don't see sydney until the day of her birthday. she claims she's been busy and you believe her. she texts you all the time even if she doesn't come see you physically.

your mind runs wild as you get ready for sydney's birthday party. you're in lena’s bathroom, making sure your hair looks perfect and your makeup doesn't make you look clown-ish and that your fit actually fits you and maybe you should brush your teeth again-

“you know sydney doesn't hate you, right?” lena interrupts your anxious thoughts.

“duh i know. i wouldn't be here if she did,” you say, still staring intensely at your appearance through the mirror.

lena rolls her eyes. “then why are you getting ready like we're going to a pageant? sydney likes you in every way. she was really hurt when you guys broke up, but obviously, she's moved on from it if she invited you to come all the way here.”

lena's words make you slow down your overanalyzing of yourself. she's right, sydney is forgiving you right now. trying to overdo everything to seem perfect isn't going to make her like you any more. she already likes you alot.

she wants you, not some polished version.

“you're right. i'm finished, let's go,” you say, leaving the sink and coming by the doorframe to make lena turn around. the two of you leave the bathroom, then put on your shoes and finally leave her apartment.

the drive to sydney's party is a short one, or at least it feels that way. lena, and you sing along to the songs on the radio the entire way there.

once at sydney's place, your heart starts racing. being back in her space feels so strange, but so right. alot is the same, but alot is different aswell. she bought a new couch, an upgrade from her old leather one. there's more plants around the place. her tv is new and even bigger than her last one.

the apartment is basically full with all of the bayern munich team and some other people from sydney's life. the smell of pizza and chicken hits your nose as you walk from the living room, where you greet everyone, to the kitchen.

and there is sydney.

her back is turned as you walk into the kitchen, but you can tell it's her.

her hair is styled in a ponytail, and she's wearing this black tank top and nice fitting jeans. she looks so pretty. she looks even prettier when she turns around.

“y/n?” sydney looks at you like she wasn't expecting you. perhaps she wasn't fully prepared to see you in person? even though she knew you were coming to her party. she allowed you to, after all.

you smile at her, “hi syd. is it too soon to say i missed you?”

“is it too soon to hug you?” she smiles at you back.

“i would be stupid to say yes, and i'm done being stupid.”

sydney flies into your arms, embracing you tightly. her arms wrap around your neck, her cheek pressing against yours. her quick reaction would feel weird if it didn't feel so right. you hug her back just as tight. it's been so long since you've been in her arms. so long since you smelled her scent. so long since you've even been around her.

“thank you for coming,” sydney says as she pulls away. not going too far as she stands close to you.

you laugh, “i'm the one who asked you. i should be thanking you.”

“for what?”

“for letting me back into your life.”

sydney's and your reunion is cut short by laura coming into the kitchen. she gives you two a look but doesn't say anything about your closeness.

“syd, you better get in here. it's your birthday party,” laura says, pointing to the living room. sydney looks at laura before looking at you. without thinking, you grab her hand and pull her out into the living room. time to party.

you ended up staying for longer than you thought you would in germany. sydney allowed you to stay in her spare room for the rest of your time there. the two of you have many, many conversations about where you two stand currently. she's not your girlfriend just yet, but you two are getting there.

when it's time for you to leave for america, sydney drives you to the airport and even blessed you with a kiss on the lips as a goodbye. your face is permanently flushed until you board the flight.

she texts you the moment you get off the plane back in san jose as well.

syd 💕

land safely?

you

yupp

but i miss you :(

syd 💕

miss you too :((

we'll see eachother soon

don't worry

you

call you when i get home?

syd 💕

call me when you get home

author note: i might possibly be working on an alt verison of this with sydney's pov.. depends on if my brain feels like working. hope yall enjoyed! 🙂‍↕️

© JACKIESUNSHINES, 2025

[hmhas-00]

Ch. 23

Hit Me Hard & Soft

A/N- Do we ship Billie & Ellie?? Hmmm… (like and rb if you miss Remy lol) Hope you guys are enjoying the book so far! Stay tuned Tues&Thurs for updates and check out my masterlist!

Billie’s POV

The next few days flew by. I almost didn’t even remember what I did all week. Mostly, I moped around, dragging through the day, dodging phone calls or texts messages like the plague.

I overate, burned off the calories in my gym, then ate some more, slept, showered, watched more tv…

The events that transpired on my birthday, or should I say, the night of my birthday, left me feeling so distraught. I felt so embarrassed, so… douchebag-like, for leaving her like that.

That night, I felt like I was going crazy. Maybe I need to go back to therapy again. I mean, am I going to look at girls and see Remy for the rest of my life? That’s ridiculous. She really did look like her, but that’s no coincidence, okay? Maybe I have a type.

Every day is like this. My head explodes into internal rants, just like this one. It leves me in a fog for the rest of the day.

Maybe I should text her. I thought. I need to get her number and apologize. I’ll start with that.

I sit up on my empty couch, tucking my knees into my torso and text my friend Sydney, asking for Ellie’s number.

Some time passes and I finally get in contact with her.

She texts back, and I immediately open the thread.

Ellie: I was wondering if I’d ever hear from you lol

Billie: fuck sorry. i’ve been going thru some shit. it wasn’t fair to do that to you. you were so sweet about it. i’m sorry I ran off like that.

Ellie: I’d love to help if I can 😇

I wondered how she could help. Or if she’d even understand. I guess I owed it to her to find out. Either way, I couldn’t get Remy’s smile out of my mind.

I mean Ellie’s.

Fuck.

I looked back down at my phone, began to type, but couldn’t find the right thing to say. All I know, is I need to get out of the house.

Billie: I’d love to see you again. 🤞🏻

Ellie: Your place this time? 🥴

Tempting, but no. Absolutely not. I’m tired of being in here. And if I embarrassed myself like that again, it’d probably be my 13th reason.

Billie: How about we go get some food?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Before I knew it, the day took its course. We didn’t even notice the sun setting from underneath her sheets.

Our breathy voices and bare sweaty bodies needed some air. Ellie rested her face on her hand with her elbow propped up on the pillow, gazing at me as I zoned out.

“Where’d you go?” She took her opposite hand and brushed the stray hairs off my face.

I shook my head, trying to be as present as possible, careful not to fuck this up again. “Nowhere.” My eyes met hers, trailing off to her neck, noticing there were no freckles. They were never there.

I lifted my head off the pillow and kissed her collarbone, tuning out my inner thoughts. I know this can’t be healthy. And probably so selfish of me.

“You’re not gonna take off now, are you?” Her voice uncertain. I felt awful.

I stopped and pulled my face away, looking into her eyes. “No! Unless, you want me to?”

“No, this is nice.” Her lengthy eyelashes pleaded and her arm wrapped around me.

“It is.” I smiled. “I like you, Ellie, I do. I’m sorry if I’m giving mixed signals. My life is complicated right now and-“

Ellie let out a small laugh under her breath and nodded. “I get it. No pressure, really.” She smiled. Her lips were glossy, naturally pink, and especially plump for how much time I spent sucking on them.

I nodded, loving the sound of that. No pressure.

“I mean, how much more pressure can we add, right? We’re literally fully naked right now in your bed.” I joked.

“Whatever you wanna do, at your pace. Even if it’s just this. As long as you take me out to dinner once in a while.” Ellie laughed softly.

“Hey, it’s not gonna be just this, okay? I’m not like that.” I tried to reassure her, not knowing if she really was joking or laughing through the hurt.

Maybe sex was a bad idea. My mind began to spiral again. I shut my eyes, trying to avoid making things weird again.

Okay, maybe I’m the problem.

“Billie, I’m so down to just go with the flow.” She put her fingertips on my chin and tilted my face in her direction. “Are you?”

Her eyes looked sincere and inviting. I just wanted to stop the impulsive thoughts. I quickly wrapped my arms around her waist, pulling her back on top, right where I wanted her. She towered over me, close enough for me to let my lips speak for themselves.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Weeks went by, and it was finally the end of January. Ellie and I had been seeing each other every day since December 21st. My friends had met her a handful of times and they seemed to like her. She fit right in. There were no problems, except… the elephant in the room.

More so the elephant not in the room. She wanted to know more about Remy.

Who is that girl in all your pictures?

What happened between you two?

Why don’t you talk anymore?

All valid questions. I just didn’t want to open up that can of worms. Because if I did, I’d have to explain more than I care to admit.

Don’t get me wrong, I loved to talk about important things. The deep things. The importantly deep things about her, of course. It was harder to open up about mine. Most things came out as a result of my oversharing. But there were things I didn’t even bring up. And neither did she, actually.

Until a package showed up at my door while she was here.

Well, she was always here. I didn’t mind, though. It meant I didn’t have to sit alone in my thoughts. Plus, she was really cool. Her energy and vibes were great. She made me laugh, I made her laugh. She has a beautiful soul. And she turns me on. She can go all day. It doesn’t matter what time it is, she could keep up.

I digress.

Anyway, the package.

A golden wrapped present at my door tied with a huge gold bow appeared at my door, with a tag that read, “From Remy ❤️”

“I mean, I just don’t understand why you don’t want to open it. I’ll leave if you rather do it alone.” She fidgeted with her fingers. She seemed upset, and maybe I was making it worse.

“I still wouldn’t open it. I don’t want to.” I shook my head, hoping she’d drop it.

“But, why? What happened between you guys?” She insisted?

“Ellie-“

“I just want to know more about you! Is that wrong?”

“No! It’s just not important!” I grabbed her arm, hoping it would soothe her, but it just made her even more upset.

“Not important? You guys were best friends. There’s photos of you two everywhere. Her things are in your room, Billie!” She crossed her arms.

I ran a hand through my hair, wanting to run off and shut down, knowing it would only make it worse.

“Ellie, this is just personal. It’s complicated! Remember we talked and you said no pressure? This is a lot of pressure.”

She scoffed, “Got it. You’re right.” She turned around, grabbing her stuff, heading for the hallway.

“No, don’t go.” I followed, rubbing my face, frustrated and confused. “Ellie I didn’t mean it like that.”

She said nothing, trotting down the staircase.

“Please, just hear me out. I just mean, it’s tough for me to open up. I need some time to just process-“

“Hasn’t enough time gone by? I mean you have no problems fucking me every day. You can do that and still find it hard to trust me?”

Sadly, yes. But I didn’t want to tell her that. I didn’t want to make it worse.

“Of course not!” I stopped her, grabbing her hand and making her face me. “Please, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. I do trust you.”

I lied. Sort of. I trusted her with some things. I trusted her in my house, with my phone, I trusted her with other details of my life…

It’s just hard to tell the girl I’m seeing, and trying to fall in love with, that I am- I mean, was in love with my former best friend. That the feelings I’m supposed to feel for her, are so muddled by the image of my former best friend.

“How is this supposed to work if you can’t trust me with everything? You won’t let me in.” She held onto my hand.

Maybe she’s right. Maybe if I let her in, I’ll drop these other feelings, and I’ll feel closer to her. Maybe letting her in will help me get over myself.

I took a deep breath. “Okay.” I nodded. I pulled her hand, leading her into the living room, where the present sat.

She stood next to me as I carefully pulled on the beautiful ribbon bow.

[propertyofwhitney67]

ITS MY BIRTHDAY TODAYY LIS WITH A PC THAT THROWS THEMSELVES A BIG BIRTHDAY PARTY?? ITS SUCH A RANDOM ASK LMAO BUT I HONESTLY LOVE YOUR BLOG SM I CHECK IT LITERALLY EVERYDAY MULTIPLE TIMES A DAY I GET SO EXCITED WHEN YOU POST NEW LI AND PC CONTENT IT ALWAYS MAKES MY DAY OS THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THAT PLEASE LOOK AFTER YOURSELF AND HAVE A GREAT DAY/NIGHT

Happy birthday!!!! I hope today is wonderful for you <3

Also thank you so much! I love hearing about how much this blog means to y'all, it always makes me so happy!

Whitney will call you a loser but he 100% still comes and maybe even brings some people with him. The man will steal presents for you as well.

Kylar thinks nothing bad of you throwing a party for yourself, if you hadn't of done it he would of thrown one himself. He is of course coming and bringing some kind of unhinged gift that will embarrass you in front of others

Robin is surprised you had the supplies to do so but is more than happy to come and bring a gift. Albeit a small gift but it's the thought that counts, poor boy doesn't have much money

Sydney is very excited to come! He probably goes a bit overboard on the gift but it's still amazing!

Alex does think it's a bit odd you're throwing a party for yourself but who is he to judge. The man is bringing beer and a gift :)

Avery thinks it's weird you're throwing a party for yourself but he is going to bring the most expensive gift and kinda make himself the center of attention beside you

Eden hates parties but he loves you so he's coming. He makes a gift by hand for you :). The man can only stay so long though this is just too many people and he needs a break but h'll come back when the party is over OR he hides in a corner all night

[yannaryartside]

So...the beef was always a mafia front, right? At least partially. I have a hard time imagining it was ever profitable, let alone sustainable for the Berzatto family while the kids were growing up. They likely grew up stressed/confused about money, but Donna also invested a lot in these other get-rich-quick schemes (like the buildings Lee was talking about in Fishes). Even now, Donna has cash on his own, if Lee wanted her to loan him that kind of investment. If she is helping Cicero, where did she get all that cash?

Again, the restaurant likely lived with its head barely above water. It could have been profitable if they followed through with Sydney's business plan in the present. Inflation may be a factor, of course, but given how we know Donna and Michael operated, I have a hard time imagining them making it work enough to sustain a family of four.

Because we know from Cicero that the restaurant was Carmy's father's wild shot at having his own business (because he saw other people doing it). We also know that Donna had to continue with that business (perhaps they had invested a lot of money in it or had debt).

Michael carried on with it because it was the last thing he had from his father. That's why he didn't want to sell it. Cicero jumps on Carmy about selling the place, the very first day he started working there, so... He may have hoped to get rid of (idk) physical evidence.

We know Cicero is stashing stuff in there. I'm starting to think it's gonna be a police raid that's gonna put an end to all of this. Honestly, the crime angle serves as a metaphor for bad alliances and gambling addiction. Even Cicero, bringing computer in, sounded like he wanted to get control of a situation without really knowing what the fuck he is actually doing.

Anyway, 10 more days lizards!

[cornellstokez]

part two of my sydcarmy fic recommendations! (part one)

how will i know by sutherlins - sydney gives carmy 28 days to convince her to stay at the bear. carmy is v simpy for syd and i love it!

watch me by cinnamonscentedstress - this is actually kinda sydney/claire/carmy -esque (not even kinda...it really is). claire is trying to find a good birthday present for carmy and asks sydney for her help and they fuck :) lmao! its nasty and great. it may not be everybody's cup of tea but i really liked the way that claire was written in this. she's very charming and was into sydney which was hot

the love we created is part of my life by emily brontay - let me say that i looooove emily brontay and all their fics are great but this one made me cry. carmy donated his sperm to the sperm bank and syd got it and made a baby that carmy was unbeknownst to. the yearning and angst was like a punch to the chest

i want this, can we make this last forever? by amaneeta - love island AU. do i need to say more?

seams of plenty by evilbutter - carmy is obsessed w sydney and her scarves

somebody (who loves me) by sutherlins - sydney and carmy over the course of years. a 'will they, won't they' kind of fic. im actively reading this and having the time of my life lmao. so great and real to the characters! also w a hint of jealous!carmy and who doesn't like that?!

take your time (what's the rush?) by triplevirgo - smut fest w sub!carmy and dom!sydney

i wanna be your number one by amaneeta - sydney and luca featuring jealous!carmy